Forgiveness, for whom.

"www.gatewaychurch.com"



Great topic in Church today. click above link and look for the MP3 download for Oct. 21st, DIVORCE: Moving Forward and Leaving the Past Behind.Of course the fact that churches these days are starting to recognize and acknowledge the fact that,

1 out of 2 people are touched in some way by divorce

, is great. At least now the hurting souls can be acknowledged and touched. This means either your parents divorced, you are divorced or someone close to you has experienced divorce. So what can we do to help each other? Encourage forgiveness.

Of course we can preface this by saying that this does not mean your ready to talk to the person, see them or even call them. Sometimes the pain is too new or too deep and it might be harder to forgive in person or in a letter even. But you can learn to forgive in your heart first.

So Ted finally gets to the heart of it all in his talk today, FORGIVENESS and where do we start.

Can you forgive your ex? Or in cases like mine, can we forgive our parents or parent (as often times children of divorce will blame one parent for the ills in the marriage)? Can we mend our hearts and really let go of the past? Do we understand that we cannot move foreword, heal and grow until we can first learn to forgive?

I will leave you with this question and encourage you to journal about it; meditate on it; set aside some quite time to think about it. But I also want to leave you with this question. Who do you need to forgive? How long have you been angry, or hurt? How does this hurt in your heart affect your life, your other relationships? More importantly how much longer do you want to let it impede your ability to grow, love and nurture yourself and others?

We cannot change where we came from, so do not waste precious time trying to fix or change the beginning. You can however change where you are heading, so concentrate on what you can do now to help change your future instead. This step begins with you.

Children Acting Out

There are many children of divorce that act out in both verbal and non verbal negative communication. Meaning quite simply they can be real monsters sometimes.

I have had this experience on several occasions. Although, I am not a therapist or trained professional counselor, I can comment on what I have noticed:

Children of divorce need your attention. Even the ones that don't act out and sit quietly to themselves. These quiet ones can sometimes be the ones you really need to worry about. But we will save that for another topic.

Kids that act out are doing it to spite you; get back at you; get your attention (they don't care if its good or bad attention). To them any attention fills their need. They can often revel in providing shock value as well.

So why do they do this? Several factors, lets look at my thoughts on some:
* Their life has been turned upside down, acting out is their outlet
* A parent is out of the picture full time and they miss that connection
* They might think it's your fault that the divorce happened & they are punishing
you with their bad behavior
* Acting out is the only way they can get you to pay 100% attention to them, since
the divorce are you busy doing other things?
* They fear you might leave too, acting out is a result of this fear
* If your marriage had yelling, they are eager to get you to yell, its comforting
(another words they have learned to associate love with yelling and fighting)

So now what?

TALK to your child, you get in counseling if necessary. You make sure you allow yourself at least 1 hour uninterrupted with each child every night. This is a minimum and in no way is the standard or best case scenario. Best case is 2.5 hrs plus. But we know in post divorce, your schedules and available time changes.

LISTEN to your kids, get them to talk and open up about their feelings.
Remember discipline is needed. You need to keep an orderly home and rules. Don't let them run over you. Its easy to feel guilty after divorce and then you think you need to let them get away with everything because of your own guilt. DON'T DO THAT.

GUIDE your child and be the parent in firm control now more than ever. They need to know that you have it under control and your in charge.

Structure. You will hear me say this over and over. They need structure and routine now more than ever. You have to be accountable just as much as they do.

Women and Divorce

Women can be highly emotional, volatile, draining, self righteous, determined, bull headed, stubborn, miserable and life changing. After all I am a woman and I admit to all of these and more. But what happens when you put a woman through a Divorce? Which in itself is emotional, volatile, draining, miserable and life changing.

The Answer is : An often highly emotional, mass of churning thoughts, feelings and debris. It's like a walking tornado in heels. Either she is idle and churning in the air, not touching ground but still the inside is all twisted and torn. OR she is on the ground causing disruption and chaos in her path. So how does a tornado of debris calm itself and again return to natural state:

The best way to help calm the storm of emotions and thoughts is to slowly take the items rustling around inside out. By dealing with each issue and problem separately and one at a time, your able to resolve things, find peace and in some cases get much needed answers. To be able to work on yourself you must be willing to accept your part in things as well as be willing to work hard at making changes.

It helps to have a support system, not just family and friends but other women who are going through what you are going through. This connection is invaluable and will no doubt come in handy. Not only do you need this connection you will depend on this connection. I will have a list of links below that you might find useful.

There are many books out there that are written specifically for women in divorce. I would highly recommend you look at several and read the back cover, intro and reviews to make sure your getting the right book for you. This is not man bashing time. This is 'working on you' time. Again below you will find some great resources to help you in your journey.

This is the beginning of a new life and a new you. Rejoice in it and make the best out of today. Tomorrow is all new and its all about beginning with you.

http://www.womansdivorce.com/books.html
http://www.dailystrength.org
http://www.cafemom.com
http://www.divorcecare.org/healing/

*** this last link is one of my favorites.
Be careful not to get on sites where the forums are bogged down with negativity and people choosing to live in perpetual drama and a dredging up of the past. Look to bright, good energy, evolving sites that encourage change and growth amongst it's members.

Remember my motto:
"Tomorrow is new and its all about beginning with you"